Home for the Holidays
by schf.m
Summary: Harry visits the Weasleys over Christmas break. Rated R for m/m slash and a pwp, plus one tiny spelling error or more. (Ooops.)


Title: Home for the Holidays

Author: schf. M.

Rating: R. 

Warnings:

1) SLASH. For all the flamers out there that didn't read the warning and can only respond to capital letters, allow me to repeat myself: SLASH. And I'm not talking about the Guns'N'Roses guitarist.

2) Weasley incest, but that's practically canon.

3) As much of an orgy as one--or four--can have on two twin beds pushed together, with a younger sibling outside the bedroom door. Not in graphic detail, though.

4) Dirty pictures of everyone's favorite professor.

5) And a het couple (not Arthur and Molly, folks.)

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Series: No. It's much too silly.

Notes: This story is basically racy fluff. I did not exactly want to write it, especially with the incest angles, but the plot (what plot?) bunny was gnawing at my ankle, and I don't need any more holes in my fishnets, thank you very much. I'm poking fun at well, mainly, everything. And just so you know, I despise Ginny. Not quite sure why, but I do, so I tend to write her as an annoying little well, fill in the noun. 

Note and a half: This is a first draft, un-beta'd and not very well thought out at that. If I get enough response, I'll probably revise.

Extra note: I was going to write lemon scenes, but chickened out. Sorry. 

Disclaimer: Let's hope and pray Rowling never finds out. Ah, who am I kidding? She writes about British boarding schools, she should know what people are going to glean from that.

***

"I'm so glad you could finally bring Harry back for Christmas," Molly Weasley said as she bustled about the kitchen, pointing her wand to mash cranberries, then potatoes. "I mean, you've only known him for about seven years, Ron."

"He said he felt as if he was intruding, Mum," Ron responded defensively. "Besides, last year he wanted to spend Christmas with his godfather, and that's not the sort of thing you refuse someone like Harry."

Molly sniffed. "Oh, I know. That poor boy, alone all his life. It's really good to know he's got a godfather as well as." She paused. It appeared that she was wondering how to phrase the next part delicately. "Ron, sometimes I worry about that boy. Is Harry well, from what I glean from Ginny is he like Bill?"

"What? Mum, that's ridiculous. Harry's perfectly straight. He's just really, really shy around Gin. You know how it is. The way she stares at him would be enough to make anyone nervous."

There was a very relieved sigh as Molly poured dressing over the turkey and wiped her hands on her apron. It had been made by Bill twenty years ago, but the faded 'World's Best Mum' was never to be replaced. "Dear Merlin, I was so worried but if you say so, Ron. You do know him best, after all."

***

"Harry."

Harry grinned. "Fred. George."

Fred smiled a wide, wicked smile. "We haven't seen you since--oh, summer before last. What have you been up to?"

"A little of this, a little of that you think we can get time alone at some point?"

George smirked. "Well." His smirk faltered. "Not in this house, no." He looked as disappointed as Harry felt. "But perhaps there's always the field out back. And a couple of groves. Fancy a," and his smirk returned, "Quidditch match?"

"That's a dirty metaphor for a relatively innocent sport," Harry protested.

"Hah!" Fred snorted. "Innocent? All those broomsticks and balls--what d'you suppose they symbolize?"

"Well, to your mind--" Harry began, but was interrupted by Fred's tongue in his mouth, a surprise kiss that swallowed the rest of his words and nearly knocked him back onto George's bed.

"C'mon, Fred, not where Ron can wander in on us," George warned, pulling the two apart and stroking Harry's hair possessively. 

Breathing hard, Harry kissed George's cheek and murmured, "I like the idea of a game of Quidditch."

"Thought you would."

***

Harry rolled over onto one side and opened his eyes muzzily. "Ron?"

The redhead glanced over his shoulder guiltily. "You're awake?"

"Am now." They conversed in whispers so as not to wake Fred and George as well. "Where're you off to?"

Ron whispered his answer in nearly inaudible tones. "I'm off to visit Hermione."

Harry gave Ron a sly wink and a thumbs up symbol in encouragement as his best friend slipped out the door and downstairs. He was not going to mention that Hermione was sharing Ginny's room; Ron had obviously thought of that already. And if he hadn't, he would improvise. The Weasleys were good at improvising, Harry observed, as he crawled from his own bed into Fred's and poked the older boy awake. "Ron's gone."

Fred sat up. "Really? Where?"

"To Ginny's room. To see Hermione."

"Well, it's about time. I think ickle Ronniekins has remained a virgin at least two years longer than anyone else in the family, and that includes Percy." Fred yawned, and leaned over Harry to wake George. "George!"

"Wha?" George blinked up at his twin. "House caught on fire again?" Apparently, the sentence was too much for him; he yawned and fell back asleep.

_Again?_ Harry thought, raising an eyebrow, as Fred grinned mischievously and nudged his twin back into consciousness. "Nope. Dammit, George, wake up."

George opened bleary eyes and sat up. "Wha?" he asked again.

"That's better. Ron's left us with Harry." For some reason, Fred sounded immensely proud of himself, as if it was his doing that Ron had decided to go visit Hermione at one in the morning. "You know what this means?"

"We have to wait to see if Hemrione kicks him out until we start anything with Harry?" George guessed, rubbing one eye.

Fred paused. "I hadn't thought of that, no."

"That's why _I'm_ the smart one, Fred," George said sweetly. Despite his words, he scooted over to Fred's bed to put an arm about his twin. "So, should we wait for."

Personally, Harry didn't want to wait, but those two would know better. It was their house, after all, and they would know how to sneak about it best. "Fifteen minutes?"

Fred and George snickered. "Someone's been doing his homework," they chorused with sly looks. "Maybe," Fred added, "ickle Ronniekins isn't as virgin as we think he is."

"No, no," Harry protested, blushing at the insinuation, "I mean, that's how long they're probably going to argue over whether they will or not."

This statement, however, served to send Fred and George into further bouts of laughter. "I don't see what's so amusing," Harry said crossly, just as the door creaked open.

There was a flurry of blankets and limbs as each of the three attempted to get back into their own bed--Fred mistakenly ended up on George's and leapt back in a sort of panic--and pulled covers up over their heads, each pretending to be asleep.

"Oh, stop that," ordered an annoyed voice. It wasn't Ron's.

"Percy?" Harry queried, glancing out from under the blanket.

"Ah, Perce!" exclaimed Fred. "So you want in on the action, too!"

"Percy?" Harry repeated, somewhat faintly.

"I saw Ron tiptoe past my door, and figured he had left the three of you alone in one room." Percy removed his glasses and polished them on his bedrobe's lapel. "I don't think I _trust_ the three of you in one room together--no offense, Harry."

"None taken," acknowledged Harry faintly.

Fred and George groaned. "No discipline, Percy. We don't think Harry's into it."

"No what?"

"I couldn't even if I wanted to," assured Percy. He shrugged. "Neville keeps the handcuffs, in any case. I can't imagine what would happen if Mum was cleaning my room and came upon well, any of the paraphernalia Neville and I use."

_"Neville?"_ Harry squeaked. Apparently, there were quite a lot of things no one knew about his dormmate. More than Horatio could have fantasized about in his philosophies, anyway. _"Handcuffs?"_

"I think someone ought to get Harry a drink of water," Percy said blandly, but blushing a bit in the darkness.

"I think he likes the idea of handcuffs," Fred opined wickedly.

***

"Hermione," Ron whispered, sitting down on the guest bed.

She had been awake, but was not about to give him the satisfaction of knowing she had been awake. Hermione let Ron repeat her name a few times before sitting slowly up in bed and opening her eyes. "Ron? What are you doing here?" she asked sweetly. "At this time of--" she checked her watch, "--morning."

"Thought I'd come see you," said Ron with the sort of grin usually attributed to his twin brothers. 

Hermione smiled back. "Did you wear slippers? I'd hate it if you got cold."

_"Hermione!" _Ron sounded scandalized.

"Just kidding, Ron," said Hermione. "Still your hands are freezing, you had better get under the covers--"

Ron grinned. "Okay. But--wait one second." He crossed the room and glared down at his little sister. "I know you're awake, Ginny."

She squeaked.

"Beat it, Ginny."

"But this is my _bedroom,_ Ron," Ginny protested, drawing her blankets tighter around her.

"C'mon, Ginny. Sod off for a couple of hours or so."

Hermione cleared her throat pointedly. Ron glanced back at her, then amended his threat. "Till morning. Or else well, you'll find out."

"But Ron" Her older brother gave her a death glare, and Ginny sulkily climbed out of bed and padded out the door.

***

"Harry?" There was a soft breath of air as the door opened a crack. "Harry?"

Harry, currently shirtless and at the mercy of George's hands and mouth, struggled to dodge out of the line of sight. Fred groaned and rolled off the bed, staggered towards the door, pulling his bathrobe around him as he went. "Harry's asleep, Gin," he said crossly. "Go back to bed."

"I can't," was Ginny's reply. "Ron told me to clear out. He and Hermione are snogging in there, Fred."

"If not more," said Fred with a yawn. "Well, go down and take Charlie's bed. I hear he ducked out to London to have a rendez-vous with some student, and Bill's a fairly heavy sleeper."

"But I wanted to see Harry," Ginny protested.

"Believe me," and here Fred lowered his voice, "he doesn't like being suddenly woken up. Thinks it's You-Know-Who and instantly goes for his wand. Go to Bill's room, Gin, you'll be safer for it."

"Oh all right." Ginny sounded as if she was pouting, and about to flounce downstairs. Percy and Harry held utterly still until Fred closed the door, and then George resumed tickling Harry.

Fred climbed back onto the bed. "That was a close one," he muttered, sliding one arm around George.

"How," said Harry suspiciously, "do you know Charlie's not in his room?"

Fred shrugged. "I don't. Percy does."

Harry turned back to Percy, who was busy kissing Harry's abdomen, and raised an eyebrow. With only a gasp to break the question, he inquired, "So how do _you_ know?"

Percy raised his face, shot an irritated look at Fred, and explained, "I went down there earlier tonight, but Charlie was off with that little Malfoy brat, and Bill was absorbed. Well, he was looking at these pictures of Gilderoy Lockhart and I didn't want to disturb--"

"Gilderoy Lockhart?" Harry repeated, and then broke out into laughter. "Gilderoy Lock--"

"Sssh!" George admonished, silencing Harry with a kiss.

Fred continued for him, "Do you really want Ginny bursting in here at any moment?"

"No," Harry said, horrified, when George let up. Ginny Weasley would burst into tears and demand to know what was going on, or shriek that Harry didn't love her, not that he had every given her any reason to expect _anything,_ but she had assumed it all along. Harry did not think he could have dealt with a crying and/or shrilling Ginny.

"So hush," George murmured, sliding away to make Percy feel less neglected.

"And what's this about Charlie being in London with _Malfoy?"_ Fred demanded, shucking off his bathrobe and pajama shirt for good measure. "The last thing I heard, he was spending the summer with Professor Lupin."

"He claims he likes mature men," answered George.

"That can't be right," Harry argued. "Last term, he and Seamus Finnigan were screwing all over--and I mean all over, I even heard rumors about the roof and Snape's desk--the school, and Seamus is as immature as they come."

Snickers all around answered him. "Poor word choice," Harry sighed.

***

"Forget it, Ron," Hermione said flatly. "I'm not taking my underpants off unless you've brought a condom."

"A what?" Ron sat back and peered suspiciously at Hermione, who blushed a bit and tugged the sheet up to cover herself.

"A condom. You know, family planning?"

Ron simply gave her another blank look.

Hermione sighed in exasperation. "I can see this is going to take a while to explain."

***

"How are we going to figure this out?" Harry asked, completely naked now. "I mean, four I've never done it with three others."

Fred and George shared another grin. "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll think of something."

"Oh, yeah," said Harry tersely, sitting up suddenly and eliciting an "oof" from Percy. "Like the time I had to pretend to fall off my broom at practice because I needed an excuse why I couldn't sit down for about a week. Or the time I told everyone Malfoy had put a Spanking Whoopee Cushion on my chair in Potions class and got detention for implicating Snape's favorite student. The three of you are _not_ taking me one at a time."

"But you love it," Fred wheedled.

"And always regret it afterwards." Harry scrambled backwards against the headboard. "What's your mum going to say if I can't sit down tomorrow night at dinner, I wonder."

The twins and Percy traded looks. "True," admitted George, "She doesn't quite know about any of us yet, and her 'what about grandchildren?' speech on Bill was scary enough to hear, let alone be the subject of."

"I can hear it now. 'You want to run a joke shop and do _what_ to unsuspecting young wizards at night?'" Fred chimed in. Both of the twins shuddered.

"It's not my fault you can't keep your hands off each other," said Percy primly.

Fred and George snickered. "Of course, you don't have to worry, eh, Perce? It's already clear that you're a pouf."

"What?" Percy sputtered.

Fred grinned wickedly. "What, you think we meant you had a figurative wand up your bum, big brother? We knew what you were doing with Bill's--or was it Charlie's--sex toys."

"Sex toys?"

"Better stop it, Fred, I think Harry's drooling," reported George in surprise. "What, you want it non-penetration orgy style?"

"Orgy?" Harry repeated weakly.

"Someone pinch him before he faints on us," George advised. Percy squeezed one of Harry's cheeks.

Harry yelped and rubbed his buttock resentfully. "You didn't have to do that."

"I think you liked it," Fred said sweetly. "Come on, Percy, before I have to tell him about the time Bill started to tell us about all the charms you could use to tie people up with and enhance endurance with, and Mum and Dad left to go to some party with the Longbottom great-Uncles."

"You're awful," Harry gasped.

"That's not what you said last April."

"Uhm." Harry wriggled away from the headboard and snuggled in between two or three Weasley brothers. "You still have wicked senses of humor."

"That's what you love about us, no?"

"Nah Harry loves us because we're sexy. Not you, Percy, you don't count." Fred slid closer to Harry. "Okay, you win. We're all scared of Mum, though none of us admit it, so no penetration. You're always too loud about that anyway, so we'd better save it for Quidditch."

"Quidditch?" Percy snickered. "Are they still using that metaphor? There's new slang floating about the Ministry, and the Quidditch games are a good twenty years old, Bill says."

"Well, Bill would know, he was being hit on by nasty old men twenty years ago," Fred responded coolly. "We're actually planning on playing Quidditch, so clear your mind of all those dirty visions or you'll come right now, and that wouldn't be fun."

***

"You all look so peaked," Molly Weasley remarked. "I thought I sent you all off to bed early enough, but, Ron, you look so pale. And Harry," she added, pushing a mountain of toast onto the guest's plate, "you keep blinking and yawning. Are you sure you got enough sleep?"

"Just--" Harry yawned so loudly that his jaws felt like they were about to crack, and then bit his lip, looking mortified, "just catching up from school."

Molly Weasley eyed Fred and George suspiciously. "And you two? Were the two of you keeping Ron and Harry up while you discussed your--" her tone took on an air of stern disapproval, "--joke shop?"

"No, Mum," the twins chorused.

Their mother, however, continued to glare. "Where's Ginny?"

"We found her on the steps," Fred whispered to Harry _sotto voce_, "whimpering something about Lockhart and chains."

"Don't think she'll ever be sane again," George confided. "Bit of a mistake sending her off, wot?"

"Of course, she swears she'll be fine if she can see you with your shirt off, so we're fairly sure she's faking it."

"What are the two of you whispering about?" Molly Weasley demanded.

"Nothing, Mum," said the twins again, smiling innocently. 

"I hope it's nothing about making Percy's mattress squeak. He told me he can't get decent rest because you two keep spelling it to sing during the middle of the night, and how's he going to work if the two of you keep him up at night?" Percy nearly choked at his mother's tirade; Harry was sure that he was envisioning the sort of innuendo this would eventuate in. "Isn't that right, Percy?"

"Yes, Mum," Percy answered heavily. "I--I'm a little tired myself. Think I'll take a nap today."

Harry grinned. 


End file.
